How to deal with our perceptions

26 November 2020

I've always been fascinated by how we respond to people sharing their perception of something we have done or not done and the impact that has on us then doing the same.


Many of us will create our own stories about other people, situations and events based on our own experiences in the past. Sometimes, this leads us to avoiding having conversations we really need to have and impacts the relationships we have with people.


Because "last time another person reacted badly" or "I've seen that look before and it didn't end well" means we confirm our own thoughts to ourselves.



Why do we do it and can we do anything about it?


The Ladder of Inference, first published by Chris Argyris, suggests there are six steps to us drawing our conclusions and two steps about how we can change it.


Step 1: Actual, observable, facts, data, or experiences to consider are made available - we record everything going on as if we had a video camera.

For example: there is someone in your team meeting who keeps shuffling about and checking their watch


Step 2: A process of “selecting” data from step 1 occurs - because there is a lot of data in our video, we select and deselect the information we want.

Example (cont'd): now I've noticed it, all I can see is them shuffling about and checking their watch. I have discounted all other available data.


Step 3: Assumptions about the data you’ve selected are made.

Example (cont'd): They look really uncomfortable


Step 4: Conclusions are drawn based on the data you’ve selected, what you’ve determined that the data means, and the assumptions you’ve made.

Example (cont'd): I think they are uncomfortable because there is something they don't want to say or to share


Step 5: You adopt beliefs that are associated with your conclusions.

Example (cont'd): That person is clearly not forthcoming with their feelings or thoughts


Step 6: You take actions based on the beliefs you’ve adopted.

Example (cont'd): I'm going to ask them to share with me what they are thinking and why they aren't sharing.



There are now two dangerous loops we can get ourselves in. The first is our beliefs will now inform how we select our data from our video i.e. we select data to support our beliefs. If we think this person is untrustworthy, we will find evidence/data to support that. And the second is our actions. If we are going to ask more questions of this person, that may make them more uncomfortable giving us more observable data of this discomfort in our meeting...a little like Catch 22!



But, we can stop this all from happening...in two ways.



(1) Question you assumptions and conclusions...either on your own or with a trusted colleague. In the example above, ask "what else could be going on?" This leads to the second point

(2) Seek contrary data - could this person have another meeting to get to? Do they need to leave the office for an appointment? Have they got other work to finish before the end of the day?


The possibilities are endless and we will never know unless we ask...


"I noticed you were shuffling about and looking at your watch a lot in yesterday's meeting, I assumed you had something to say but weren't willing to share it, I felt mistrusted and I would like to discuss this further."


Now we can find out the real reason...it still might be the person was uncomfortable sharing their thoughts...in front of everyone else; but it's in the open and you can work out how to change it.

by Kate Stranks 30 June 2026
When we talk about great leadership, we often focus on the big things. We talk about vision, strategy, transformation and decision-making. We talk about navigating uncertainty, leading change and setting direction. All of these things matter, of course, and there is no doubt that leaders need to be able to operate at that level. But, when I think about the leaders who have had the greatest impact on me throughout my career, it is rarely the big moments that I remember. I remember the leader who noticed I wasn't quite myself and asked if everything was okay, the one who recognised a piece of work that had taken significant effort, even though nobody else had seen what went on behind the scenes and the one who challenged to help me think differently and develop. None of these moments appeared in a leadership competency framework or required a formal process. They were simply examples of leaders paying attention to the people around them. Many leaders spend a great deal of time worrying about whether they are doing enough. They wonder whether they are communicating effectively, setting the right direction or making the best decisions. Yet some of the most important leadership behaviours are not complicated at all. Listening properly rather than thinking about what to say next. Noticing when someone's energy changes. Asking a follow-up question because you remembered something a team member told you last week. Taking a moment to acknowledge effort, not just outcomes. These actions may seem insignificant when viewed in isolation, but they are the moments that shape trust, strengthen relationships and create a sense of belonging. Organisations invest significant time and energy defining their culture, articulating their values and developing leadership frameworks. While these things can be useful, culture is not created by words on a wall, it is created by what people experience every day. Every interaction a leader has sends a message about what is important, what is acceptable and what people can expect from one another. And one of the most underrated leadership skills is simply paying attention. To changes in behaviour, levels of engagement, who is contributing and who is withdrawing. In a world where leaders are under increasing pressure and constantly juggling competing priorities, paying attention can feel like a luxury. But in reality, it is one of the most valuable things a leader can do. Because when people feel seen, heard and valued, they are more likely to trust, engage and perform at their best. The most effective leaders understand that they do not need to wait for a big leadership moment to make a difference, they make the small moments count. And very often, those are the moments people remember long after the strategy presentation has been forgotten.
by Kate Stranks 3 June 2026
If I had a pound for every leader who told me they're exhausted right now, I'd be writing this from a beach somewhere warm instead of watching the rain out of my window! Across organisations, sectors and industries, I'm hearing the same thing. Leaders are overwhelmed, calendars are packed, expectations feel endless and the to-do list grows faster than it shrinks. But what's striking is that some of that pressure isn't coming from the organisation, it's coming from the leaders themselves. Somewhere along the way, they have convinced themselves that they need to be available to everyone, solve every problem, attend every meeting, respond to every request and carry every burden. They become the person who always says yes, who fills the gaps and the person everyone can rely on; until eventually, they're the person who is running on empty. The Leadership Trap Most leaders don't set out to create this situation, and it comes from good intentions. They care about their people and they want to help, to be seen as supportive, capable and dependable. The problem is that when helping becomes rescuing, and supporting becomes absorbing, leaders can find themselves carrying responsibilities that were never theirs to begin with. And the result? Longer hours, blurred boundaries, little or no time to think strategically and a growing sense that no matter how much they do, it's never enough. The Cost of Being Everything to Everyone When leaders try to meet every need, something important gets lost - their wellbeing, energy and their ability to lead effectively. Because leadership isn't about being available all the time, it's about creating the conditions for others to succeed. When you're constantly firefighting, solving everyone's problems and stretching yourself beyond capacity, you're not leading at your best, you're surviving. And survival isn't sustainable. Redressing the Balance The answer isn't to care less but to become more intentional about where your time, energy and attention go. Here are a few questions to get you started: What am I doing that someone else could do? Many leaders hold onto tasks because they're quicker doing them themselves and while that might be true today, every time you take something back, you miss an opportunity to develop capability in someone else. Where am I saying yes when I really mean maybe? Not every request requires an immediate commitment. Creating space to consider priorities before agreeing can prevent your workload being dictated by other people's urgency. What boundaries have I allowed to drift? Boundaries rarely disappear overnight, they erode gradually. * The evening email. * The lunch break you skip. * The holiday spent checking messages. Small compromises become habits and boundaries start to drift. What would happen if I stopped? This is often the most revealing question. Many leaders fear things will fall apart without them. In reality, most teams are more resilient than we give them credit for. A Better Measure of Leadership Perhaps we've been measuring leadership by the wrong things. How much we carry, how busy we are, how indispensable we've become. But the better measure would be by how effectively we create clarity, ownership and capability in others. The strongest leaders aren't the ones who do everything. They're the ones who know what only they can do and have the courage to let go of the rest. Because you don't have to be all things to all people. And if you're trying to be, it might be time to ask yourself who is looking after you?
by Kate Stranks 6 May 2026
There’s a version of leadership that looks, well, fine. Meetings are happening, 121s are in the diary and decisions are being made. On the surface, it looks like everything is moving. But underneath? You’re on autopilot. And not because you don’t care or you’re not capable. But because it’s busy, the pace is relentless and at some point, you slipped into doing what’s needed instead of thinking about what matters. And that’s where the real risk sits. Autopilot can look like: Running back-to-back meetings without really being present Asking the same questions in every 1:1 Giving quick answers instead of taking a moment to think Nodding along, rather than challenging Filling space, rather than creating it It’s efficient, predictable and safe, but it isn't leadership at its best. The moments that really matter - the ones that shape culture, confidence, and performance - don’t respond well to autopilot. These moments need intention. You won’t see it straight away, but over time: Conversations stay surface-level People stop bringing you the real issues Energy dips (including yours) Decisions become reactive rather than considered And slowly, without realising it, you move from leading…to maintaining. I'm not suggesting you need to add more to your already full plate, I'm suggesting thinking about how you show up to what’s already there. A small shift can make a big difference: Pausing for 30 seconds before a 1:1 and asking: What does this person really need from me today? Choosing one meeting a day to be fully present in by removing distractions and slowing down. Letting silence sit a few seconds longer instead of jumping in Asking one question instead of giving one quick answer None of these actions should take more time, they just need a little more attention and intention. Because leadership shouldn't be accidental, it should be conscious. The leaders who make the biggest difference aren’t the ones doing more, they’re the ones who notice when they’ve drifted…and choose to come back. If you’re honest with yourself, how much of your day is running on autopilot right now?
by Kate Stranks 30 March 2026
Whenever I have conversations with leaders, "lack of time" is always a frustration...no time for meaningful 121s, no time for development conversations and no time to really lead beyond the meetings, emails, and constant demands of daily work life. And it’s true, time is limited. But what if better leadership wasn’t about finding more time, just about seeing the time you already have, differently? There is a perception great leadership happens outside of the day job and that it requires longer meetings, extra check-ins and carefully scheduled “people time”. So when diaries are full, our leadership can slip. But the reality is much simpler: You are already spending the time and you are already having the conversations. The opportunity isn’t to add more…it’s to shift the way you use what’s already there. Let's use the classic 121 as an example: In many organisations, they are about updates, task tracking, quick problem solving...efficient? Yes. But transformational? Not even close. Now imagine a small shift in mindset. Instead of asking: “What’s the update?” You ask: “What’s been stretching you recently?” or “Where are you feeling stuck?” or “What do you need more (or less) of from me?” The same meeting for the same amount of time with a completely different impact. This is where leadership gets interesting, because it’s not about grand gestures or perfectly crafted strategies. It’s about micro-shifts: Turning a check-in into a coaching moment Turning a problem into a learning conversation Turning feedback into curiosity rather than judgement These shifts don’t require more time, they require attention, intention , and a willingness to think differently. When you start to reframe your time, something changes. You stop asking how do I fit leadership in and start asking how do I lead within what I’m already doing? A project update becomes a chance to build ownership, a quick chat becomes a moment of connection, a challenge becomes an opportunity for growth. Leadership stops being an extra and starts becoming part of everything. This week, don’t add anything new to your diary; instead, pick one moment you’re already having: a 121, a team meeting, a quick check-in and ask yourself “How could I show up differently here?” No need to find more time, just a shifting of the lens. Because often, better leadership isn’t about doing more, it’s about reframing what you are already doing.
by Kate Stranks 2 March 2026
I've been working with a number of leadership teams over the last few months and there is one frustration they all carry. "How do I lead well when the system is working against me?" They care about their people. They can see what would make things better. And yet the systems around them feel slow, rigid or misaligned with reality. Policies don’t quite fit. Processes create more work than value. Decisions take too long. It’s easy to feel stuck. But even when you can’t change the system, you can change the experience of working within it. Here's how: 1. Protect your team’s energy You might not be able to remove every process, but you can buffer your team from unnecessary noise. Translate corporate language into something human. Create clarity where the wider system creates confusion. Push back constructively when something adds no value. Your team doesn’t need a perfect organisation, they need a leader who helps them make sense of it. 2. Create a micro-culture of trust You may not control the whole culture, but you can shape the climate in your team. You decide whether it’s safe to speak honestly, whether feedback is normal and whether mistakes become blame or learning. Psychological safety is built in everyday interactions. 3. Model the behaviour you wish the system rewarded If the system rewards busyness over impact or certainty over curiosity, you don’t have to reinforce that. Admit when you don’t know. Credit others. Ask better questions. Make it safe to challenge you. Change doesn’t always start top-down, often, it spreads sideways. 4. Have the conversations others avoid In rigid systems, difficult conversations get deferred. Strong leaders don’t wait. They notice. They check in. They say the thing - clearly and respectfully. 5. Focus on influence, not frustration You may not redesign the structure but you can ask: What is actually in my control? Where do I have discretion? Who do I need to build a relationship with? There will always be constraints, wherever you work, whatever the "system". But, leadership isn’t about waiting for perfect conditions, it’s about choosing who you will be within the imperfect ones. Systems do matter and removing barriers is important, but it takes time to change at an organisational level. Leadership happens in the space between policy and people. And that space is still yours.
by Kate Stranks 21 January 2026
I spend a lot of time talking about leadership as something we "do to" or "for" others. How we motivate. How we set direction. How we hold people to account. All important, of course. But there’s a quieter leadership skill that often gets overlooked. One that can make or break trust, culture and performance. It’s this: "how we show up in the team we are part of, not just the team we lead". This is where T-shaped leadership comes into play. A T-shaped leader has: Depth: strong expertise, credibility and ownership in their role (the vertical bar of the T) Breadth: the ability to collaborate, understand other disciplines, and contribute beyond their remit (the horizontal bar) In practice, this means leaders who are confident in what they bring and curious about what others bring. They don’t lead from a silo. They lead as part of a wider system. But T-shaped leadership isn’t just about skills. It’s about mindset and behaviour, particularly when you’re not “the boss in the room”. It's the leadership test no one talks about. Most senior leaders sit in at least two teams at the same time: The team they lead The peer or leadership team they are part of And here’s the uncomfortable truth. People often put more energy into the first than the second. In their own teams, leaders are thoughtful, encouraging, patient. In their peer team, they’re rushed, guarded, competitive or quietly disengaged. Yet the leadership team sets the tone for the whole organisation. If trust is fragile there, it leaks everywhere. If accountability is avoided there, it becomes optional elsewhere. If collaboration is performative there, it never becomes real lower down. The team you’re in is where your leadership maturity really shows. Why does it matter? Your team will take their cues from how you behave with your peers, not just from what you say to them. They notice: How you talk about other departments Whether you take shared responsibility or retreat to “my area” How you respond when decisions don’t go your way Whether you challenge constructively or disengage quietly When leaders model curiosity, respect and accountability upwards and sideways, it gives permission for others to do the same. When they don’t, no amount of values posters will fix it. One of the most powerful mindset shifts leaders can make is this. "My role in this leadership team is not to represent my function, it’s to help this team work well.” That changes: How you prepare for meetings How you listen How you disagree How you follow decisions once they’re made It moves leadership from advocacy to stewardship. And it’s not always comfortable. Being T-shaped means letting go of certainty, tolerating ambiguity, and sometimes backing a decision you wouldn’t have made yourself, because the team made it together. In complex, fast-moving environments, leadership isn’t about having all the answers, it’s about how well people think together. And perhaps most importantly, it creates leadership teams that others want to emulate not endure. You can be a brilliant leader of your own team and still unintentionally weaken the organisation if you don’t show the same care, curiosity and accountability in the team you’re part of. T-shaped leadership asks more of us and gives more back, because the team you’re in doesn’t just shape outcomes, it shapes the kind of organisation everyone else experiences.
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